Repeated Behaviours (Child on Child)

For many who were sexually abused by other children, it can be common to ‘repeat’ the behaviours that wronged them, oftentimes without even realising. How do we start to address and prevent this reality in a way that manages shame safely? In this very intimate and raw episode, Sophia discusses the notion of being ‘an imperfect survivor’ with Soniah

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About your hosts

A short description about the episode co-hosts

Repeated Behaviours & Child Sexual Abuse Podcast (Video or Audio Options)

A more in-depth podcast episode, giving context and personal stories associated with the topic.

Things you should and shouldn't say to a Child Sexual Abuse survivors who repeated behaviours as children

A short video episode, focusing on two things you should and two things you shouldn’t say to someone who has experienced (or is experiencing) child sexual abuse.

Episode transcripts

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A Recap

A written summary of the key advice in these episodes Production Crew/ Special Thanks

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Additional Tips

Any additional resources mentioned are highlighted here

About your hosts

Sophia - Founder of Secrets Worth Sharing

Sophia (she/her) is a survivor of child sexual abuse, designer and the founder of Secrets Worth Sharing, where she builds a community of having these difficult conversations with 'serious joy'.

Soniah - Operations Manager

Soniah (she/they) was born in St Lucia and now lives in the United States, working as an operations manager. In her free time, she enjoys sharing stories with strangers encountered on many solo adventures.

Repeated Behaviours & Child Sexual Abuse

In-depth Podcast, 1 hr 2 minutes.

Don't like watching videos? Listen on Spotify instead!

Things you Should and Shouldn't say to childhood sexual abuse survivors who repeated behaviours as children

Practical do's and don't's episode, 30 minutes

Don't like watching videos? Listen on Spotify instead!

Download the Episode Transcripts

To recap...

Things you should say/do to support your partner who experienced abuse	Why?
Follow the lead of the survivor's response - and match their energy when they are opening up to you	Make sure to ‘take note’ of what the survivor is telling you and check back in when appropriate. If the person is angry, allow them to be angry and don't try to redirect it, especially when it's the first disclosure. Validate their experiences, regardless of age or relationship to the person who abused them. Remember it is impossible to share a whole lifetime of thoughts in one conversation. When checking back in, make sure to be mindful of how the person is and meet them where they are, and don't pressure them to talk about their experiences, but be there when they need you
Offer to bring up the conversation again later down the line.	Not every thought about someone's childhood experience can be covered in one conversations. So many people worry about retriggering someone by bringing up their abuse after they have disclosed. Actually, it can be a relief for the survivor to know that they don't have to be the one that will bring up the abuse all the time, and that there can be a release knowing that there is someone who will check up on them. Give the person a choice to see if they would like you to bring up the topic again, and remind them that just because they have spoken to you about it now, it doesn't mean that every conversation you have together has to be about childhood sexual abuse. Give them options!
Do support children who demonstrate unhealthy sexual behaviours.	Explore resources that advise in a non-judgemental and helpful way for children who have sexually hared. This is a much better way to approach this than by guilting and shaming and is more preventative down the line. The Lucy Faithfull foundation and their child friendly resource, Shore, is a great example of this.
Use the correct names and label for body parts when educating about bodies and consent	If children are not given the words to talk about their bodies, they don't have the tools to talk if they are abused. Having these conversations little and often makes these conversations less scary Educate yourself and give children the right words for their body parts, as it will help protect them from abuse in their future life. Learn about child development, boundaries, and healthy relationships
Do allow space for people to share their own experiences with repeated behaviours	While It doesn't happen all the time, it is common for people who have been abused to demonstrate repeated behaviours and giving people room to talk about this is vital is discouraging this behaviour in the future

Things you shouldn't say	Why
Do not centre your own experience if the survivor is currently disclosing	As much as you can, do not chime in with your own experience while the survivor is disclosing Allow someone to tell you their truth while managing your own emotions Don't minimise the harm Don't say things such as 'They were just playing' or 'Are you sure that happened?'
Don’t take child-on-child abuse as less serious than adult abuse or explain it away by saying the other child was 'just playing'	Don't laugh at someone's experience or brush it off with 'we were just messing around' or 'just playing', take the action at face value of what happened rather than intention/motivation
Don't put "attractive" kids on a pedestal	All children deserve equal protection and education regardless of appearance. When we use appearance as a marker for children, the radar goes down and some children may be missed. I.e young girls are seemingly ‘more at risk’ of abuse due to their attractiveness vs young boys when all children should be protected equally Historically, childhood sexual abuse charities have written that some children try to gain weight in order to seem less attractive to abusive people. This creates harmful ideas that link weight with attractiveness and children and is false. Evidence reports tell us that people who abuse don't target victims due to attractiveness or weight and instead based on how accessible the child is to them
Don't ban sleepovers in place of healthy conversations around boundaries	The person banning the sleepover may think that by removing the space where abuse may happen, they have removed the risk, but this is not the solution. Often parents and guardians can equate abuse and sleepovers as the same thing, and banning them in the place of having a conversation about boundaries, safety and consent ends up creating further stigma. This could also create a sense of stranger danger, which may falsely lead children closer to those they know and trust (80% of people are abused by someone they know) By banning sleepovers, you may create a level of guilt and shame associated with sleepovers which leads to children being uncomfortable to talk about going out with their friends later down the line.

Production Crew / Special Thanks

Editing and Subtitles - Tom Eames

Additional resources and tips

Shore - An online space for teenagers worried about sexual behaviour and attraction towards other children

Lucy Faithfull Foundation - The only UK charity focusing on working with people who sexually abuse children or who are thinking about it

Sibling Sexual Abuse and Behaviour - A series of resources from the CSA centre

Key messages from research on the impacts of child sexual abuse

Details on the law for Children facing sexual allegations

What Is Age-Appropriate Sexual Curiosity?

Academic paper about the perception of the attractiveness of the child who experienced abuse

Seven common myths about childhood sexual abuse

*Please note - in sharing resources mentioned by our co-hosts, we are not necessarily endorsing all of their content, but we do so to allow you to make up your own mind.