Partners of People Who’ve Abused
Why do some people stay in relationships with people who have caused sexual harm?
What are the challenges faced by partners of people who have sexually abused? How do some partners manage to leave, and why do other partners choose to stay? Sophia (she/her), founder of Secrets Worth Sharing, is joined by Marcia (she/her), a professional advocate for survivors of domestic abuse and sexual harm.
Your Hosts
Sophia — Founder of Secrets Worth Sharing
Sophia (she/her) is a survivor of child sexual abuse, designer and the founder of Secrets Worth Sharing, where she builds a community of having these difficult conversations with 'serious joy'.
Marcia — Independent Sexual Violence Advisor
Marcia (she/her) is a professional advocate for survivors of both domestic abuse and sexual harm as well as working alongside offenders in the Isle of Man Prison in the areas of restorative justice, rehabilitation, education, and resettlement.
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To recap
Things you should say/do to partners who stay
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It can be easy to immediately call the partners of those who sexually abuse others ‘victims’, before they have the chance to process what has happened and how their partners behaviour has changed their lives. This can be overwhelmingly counterproductive and put them off further conversation. Stay safe whilst matching their level of emotional processing. You cannot support their best possible outcome scaring them away.
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The world outside of the relationship between someone who sexually harms and their romantic partner might appear daunting and unknown. Especially if they have children to care for or have other vulnerabilities, disabilities and lack support systems. Their children may have experienced the same coercive behaviours used on their partners or they may have experienced a version of them the appeared entirely unproblematic. Both are confusing realties to face after a secondary external disclosure. If they wish to leave, suggest and provide examples of others who chose to do the same and are not just surviving but thriving.
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Partners are allowed to grieve the partner they thought they had and the life they had before the disclosure. We can still centre the victim whilst appreciating their loss and the changes they will face both emotionally and practically.
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Survivors can feel vindicated when friends and family distance themselves from the perpetrator after a disclosure. It can also feel painful, hurtful and dismissive of the pain they have experienced when partners choose to stay.
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People will experience different versions of those who sexually abuse. In an ideal world people should believe that abusers show up differently based on intentions and vulnerability, but sadly that is not the case.
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Expecting clear cut answers and easy to reach resolutions will often lead to disappointment. Every case is different and requires a tailored approach. Listen so that you can be helpful to their needs in the moment and be attentive to the support they might need next. Feel free to reach out to local advocacy services and charities in your area who will be aware of local laws and support within reach.
Things you shouldn't say/do
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It's our job to support partners of perpetrators to safety and help them live their safest life. This involves respecting their autonomy, signposting them towards experts in safeguarding but weighing the tension in realising we cannot make decisions for others based on what we perceive is best for them.
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If an abusers partner desires to leave there may be societal, religious or even cultural pressures to remain in the relationship. This can be done to maintain appearances within communities/cultures or because of aged ideals about divorce , single parenting and disruption to children. Support partners seeking to leave and remind that that safety, autonomy and their mental wellbeing are the first priority.
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Unless there are patterns that show consistent and intentional facilitating of harm do not make secondary disclosures a partners burden to bear. Offer support in increments to relieve the pressure they will inevitably already be experiencing. It can be incredibly hard to discover a partner has abused — nobody knows for sure how they will react until they’re in the same situation.
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A perpetrators partner staying with them post secondary disclosures does not mean that the sexual abuse did not happen or was exaggerated in impact. Some partners choose to stay despite abuse that has occurred, for a number of reasons — this does not mean the abuse isn’t significant.
Additional resources
Lucy Faithful Foundation – a charity protecting children by working with people who pose a risk and diverting them from causing harm
Shore – a safe space for teenagers worried about sexual behaviour
Stop It Now – an anonymous helpline, email and chat service for anyone with concerns about child sexual abuse and how to prevent it
Repeated Behaviours podcast episode – our podcast episode on child-on-child sexual abuse, and repeated behaviours
Survivors’ Network: Support for Families, Friends, and Partners of Perpetrators – Support and advice when someone you know has been accused of abuse
SARSAS: For partners – Information and advice for people who are supporting a partner who has experienced rape or sexual assault
Inform – a service for families of people who have offended online
Picking up the Pieces – a booklet providing support for families of people convicted of a sexual offence
*Please note - in sharing resources mentioned by our co-hosts, we are not necessarily endorsing all of their content, but we do so to allow you to make up your own mind.
