Partners of People Who’ve Abused
Why do some people stay in relationships with people who have caused sexual harm?
What are the challenges faced by partners of people who have sexually abused? How do some partners manage to leave, and why do other partners choose to stay? Sophia (she/her), founder of Secrets Worth Sharing, is joined by Marcia (she/her), a professional advocate for survivors of domestic abuse and sexual harm.
Your Hosts
Sophia — Founder of Secrets Worth Sharing
Sophia (she/her) is a survivor of child sexual abuse, designer and the founder of Secrets Worth Sharing, where she builds a community of having these difficult conversations with 'serious joy'.
Marcia — Independent Sexual Violence Advisor
Marcia (she/her) is a professional advocate for survivors of both domestic abuse and sexual harm as well as working alongside offenders in the Isle of Man Prison in the areas of restorative justice, rehabilitation, education, and resettlement.
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To recap
Things you should say/do to partners who stay
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It can be easy to immediately call the partners of those who sexually abuse others ‘victims’ before they have had the chance to process what has happened and how their partner’s behaviour has changed their lives. This can be overwhelmingly counterproductive and put them off further conversation. Stay safe while matching their level of emotional processing. You cannot support them towards the best possible outcome if you scare them away.
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The world outside of the relationship between someone who sexually harms and their romantic partner might appear daunting and unknown. Their children may have experienced the same coercive behaviours used on their partners, or they may have experienced a version of them that appeared entirely unproblematic. Both are confusing realities to face after a secondary external disclosure. Try to provide examples of what care looks like by modelling a gap that the partner didn’t provide. It could be financial support, a place to stay, or watching a film showing a healthy partnership.
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Partners are allowed to grieve the partner they thought they had and the life they had before the disclosure. We can still centre the person who was abused while appreciating the partner’s loss and the changes they will face, both emotionally and practically.
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Survivors can feel vindicated when friends and family distance themselves from someone who has abused after a disclosure. It can also feel painful, hurtful, and dismissive of the pain they have experienced when partners choose to stay. Make sure you validate that these choices can be just as harmful as the experience of sexual abuse and that you are available to help the survivor process the choices made by those around them.
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We often know someone in the context of how they appear in a particular setting — work, school, family — but knowing them in these environments does not mean we know how they are in a sexually abusive environment. People will experience different versions of those who sexually abuse. In an ideal world, people would believe that abusers show up differently based on their intentions and others’ vulnerability, but sadly, that is not the case.
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Expecting clear cut answers and easy to reach resolutions will often lead to disappointment. Every case is different and requires a tailored approach. Listen so that you can be helpful to their needs in the moment and be attentive to the support they might need next. Feel free to reach out to local advocacy services and charities in your area who will be aware of local laws and support within reach.
Things you shouldn't say/do
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It’s our job to support partners of people who have abused to be safe and help them live the safest life possible. This involves respecting their autonomy, signposting them to safeguarding experts, and recognising the tension between wanting to protect someone and knowing that we cannot make decisions for them based on what we believe is best. Telling someone, “You need to leave your partner, or else…” may only push them further away from support.
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If an abuser’s partner desires to leave, there may be societal, religious, or even cultural pressures to remain in the relationship. This can be due to pressure to maintain appearances within communities or cultures, or because of outdated ideals about divorce, single parenting, and disruption to children. Support partners seeking to leave and remind them that their safety, autonomy, and mental wellbeing are the first priority.
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Unless there is a clear pattern of someone knowingly enabling or facilitating harm, don’t make further disclosures a partner’s responsibility to carry. Offer support gradually and help reduce the pressure they may already be under. It can be incredibly hard to discover that a partner has abused someone — nobody knows for sure how they will react until they’re in the same situation.
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Some may think that if a person stays with a partner who has sexually harmed someone else, the abuse can’t have been that bad. We know statistically that this is not the case. A partner staying with someone who has abused after a disclosure does not mean that the sexual abuse did not happen or that its impact was exaggerated. Some partners choose to stay despite the abuse that has occurred, for a number of reasons — this does not mean the abuse isn’t significant.
Additional resources
Lucy Faithful Foundation – a charity protecting children by working with people who pose a risk and diverting them from causing harm
Shore – a safe space for teenagers worried about sexual behaviour
Stop It Now – an anonymous helpline, email and chat service for anyone with concerns about child sexual abuse and how to prevent it
Repeated Behaviours podcast episode – our podcast episode on child-on-child sexual abuse, and repeated behaviours
Survivors’ Network: Support for Families, Friends, and Partners of Perpetrators – Support and advice when someone you know has been accused of abuse
SARSAS: For partners – Information and advice for people who are supporting a partner who has experienced rape or sexual assault
Inform – a service for families of people who have offended online
Picking up the Pieces – a booklet providing support for families of people convicted of a sexual offence
*Please note - in sharing resources mentioned by our co-hosts, we are not necessarily endorsing all of their content, but we do so to allow you to make up your own mind.
