Repeated Behaviours
What happens if you were the one that caused sexual harm as a child?
Main Video
For many who were sexually abused by other children, it can be common to ‘repeat’ the behaviours that wronged them, oftentimes without even realising. How do we start to address and prevent this reality in a way that manages shame safely? In this very intimate and raw episode, Sophia discusses the notion of being ‘an imperfect survivor’ with Soniah.
Your Hosts
Sophia — Founder of Secrets Worth Sharing
Sophia (she/her) is a survivor of child sexual abuse, designer and the founder of Secrets Worth Sharing, where she builds a community of having these difficult conversations with 'serious joy'.
Soniah - Operations Manager
Soniah (she/they) was born in St Lucia and now lives in the United States, working as an operations manager. In her free time, she enjoys sharing stories with strangers encountered on many solo adventures.
Bonus Content: Dos and Don’ts Video
Don’t like YouTube? Listen on Spotify Instead
To recap
Things you should say/do
-
Make sure to ‘take note’ of what the survivor is telling you and check back in when appropriate. If the person is angry, allow them to be angry and don't try to redirect it, especially when it's the first disclosure.
Validate their experiences, regardless of age or relationship to the person who abused them. Remember it is impossible to share a whole lifetime of thoughts in one conversation.
When checking back in, make sure to be mindful of how the person is and meet them where they are, and don't pressure them to talk about their experiences, but be there when they need you.
-
Not every thought about someone's childhood experience can be covered in one conversation. So many people worry about retriggering someone by bringing up their abuse after they have disclosed. Actually, it can be a relief for the survivor to know that they don't have to be the one that will bring up the abuse all the time, and that there can be a release knowing that there is someone who will check up on them. Give the person a choice to see if they would like you to bring up the topic again, and remind them that just because they have spoken to you about it now, it doesn't mean that every conversation you have together has to be about childhood sexual abuse. Give them options!
-
Explore resources that advise in a non-judgemental and helpful way for children who have sexually harmed. This is a much better way to approach this than by guilting and shaming and is more preventative down the line. The Lucy Faithfull foundation and their child friendly resource, Shore, is a great example of this.
-
If children are not given the words to talk about their bodies, they don't have the tools to talk if they are abused. Having these conversations little and often makes these conversations less scary. Educate yourself and give children the right words for their body parts, as it will help protect them from abuse in their future life. Learn about child development, boundaries, and healthy relationships.
-
While it doesn't happen all the time, it is common for people who have been abused to demonstrate repeated behaviours, and giving people room to talk about this is vital for discouraging this behaviour in the future.
Things you shouldn't say/do
-
As much as you can, do not chime in with your own experience while the survivor is disclosing.
Allow someone to tell you their truth while managing your own emotions.
Don't minimise the harm.
Don't say things such as 'They were just playing' or 'Are you sure that happened?'
-
Don't laugh at someone's experience or brush it off with 'we were just messing around' or 'just playing'; take the action at face value of what happened rather than intention/motivation.
-
All children deserve equal protection and education regardless of appearance.
When we use appearance as a marker for children, the radar goes down and some children may be missed. I.e young girls are seemingly ‘more at risk’ of abuse due to their perceived attractiveness vs young boys when all children should be protected equally.
Historically, childhood sexual abuse charities have written that some children try to gain weight in order to seem less attractive to abusive people. This creates harmful ideas that link weight with attractiveness and children and is false. Evidence reports tell us that people who abuse don't target victims due to attractiveness or weight and instead based on how accessible the child is to them.
-
The person banning the sleepover may think that by removing the space where abuse may happen, they have removed the risk, but this is not the solution. Often parents and guardians can equate abuse and sleepovers as the same thing, and banning them in the place of having a conversation about boundaries, safety and consent ends up creating further stigma.
This could also create a sense of stranger danger, which may falsely lead children closer to those they know and trust (80% of people are abused by someone they know).
By banning sleepovers, you may create a level of guilt and shame associated with sleepovers which leads to children being uncomfortable to talk about going out with their friends later down the line.
Additional resources and tips
Shore - An online space for teenagers worried about sexual behaviour and attraction towards other children
Lucy Faithfull Foundation - The only UK charity focusing on working with people who sexually abuse children or who are thinking about it
Sibling Sexual Abuse and Behaviour - A series of resources from the CSA centre
Key messages from research on the impacts of child sexual abuse
Details on the law for Children facing sexual allegations
What Is Age-Appropriate Sexual Curiosity?
Academic paper about the perception of the attractiveness of the child who experienced abuse
Seven common myths about childhood sexual abuse
*Please note - in sharing resources mentioned by our co-hosts, we are not necessarily endorsing all of their content, but we do so to allow you to make up your own mind.
Production Crew / Special Thanks
Editing and Subtitles - Tom Eames
